Sunday, June 19, 2005

Life Turns on a Dime

Life Turns on a Dime -- That's a firmly held belief of mine, so I shouldn't be so surprised when it happens, even when I least expect it.

I was revelling in being retired, spending my days and nights doing anything that caught my fancy and starting one project after another to fill my leisure time. I felt like I was in summer camp.

But I'm not totally unaware of life outside my little Universe: I am still very concerned for and supportive of friends who are dealing with their own demons, whether it is disease, heart-ache, depression or frustration, but basically, my little corner of the planet was spinning along fairly trouble-free.

But then -- SHAZAMMMMM!

An off-hand and woefully uninformed posting I made on a BB earlier in the week caught my family by the throat and still threatens to cause an irreparable rift, and I am scared and worried that I have brought us to this uncertain brink. I am also terribly saddened that my motives or intentions were so bizarrely misunderstood.

A fairly minor health issue suddenly on Friday became "an adnexal mass" that needs an MRI to determine its size and scope. A beautiful Friday wrecked suddenly by disaster and uncertainty and misunderstanding, and it has left my head spinning and my heart very heavy.

And while my mind is reeling, my body continues it new-found daily routines and tasks, keeping my hands and arms and legs busy with yard work so my soul is not tempted into a dark corner that would ultimately make all matters worse.

I tried to find some solace today at Mass, and the homilies and gospels seemed to be talking right at me.

But Psalm 69 went straight to the heart of the matter...

Save me, God,for the waters have reached my neck.
I have sunk into the mire of the deep,where there is no foothold.
I have gone down to the watery depths; the flood overwhelms me.
I am weary with crying out; my throat is parched.
My eyes have failed, looking for my God.
More numerous than the hairs of my head are those who hate me without cause.
Too many for my strength are my enemies.
Must I now restorewhat I did not steal?
The priest compared life to a mobile that adorns a child's crib... when all the items are in balance, everyone is amused and entertained by the fanciful dancing symmetry. But let someone tug on a cord or tangle a string, and suddenly no one is amused and it takes time and concentration and forgiveness to untangle the mess and repair the damage.
That is the metaphor for my life right now. First I must forgive myself for my part in creating the mess that exists. Then I must allow time for others to make their way through the thicket of their own emotions. And I must also continue to believe that God will never bring me to a place without giving me the tools to find my way clear.
I cannot see around corners to know what the coming week's challenges will bring, but I will have faith and follow the trail of dimes.
-- HeartSleeve